Wednesday, June 1, 2011
I was walking along the street, heading to the local barber shop that offered the only sane price for a haircut in town. Those kindly folk – and folk they where – charged no more than eight dollars trim the inches. They did not put goo in your hair. They did not have a paper rectifier, with paper, that had a list of people who were waiting in line to have their hair cut. They did not demand two digits of dollars to remove your hair. They were friendly, quick, and had a nice jar of candy for all ages, which I shamelessly plundered after each visit.
I heard a loud sizzling pop, and saw sparks fall and bounce on the ground, followed by the countless shadows of perturbed fowl crossing the asphalt. I started to turn my head up but froze as I saw a particularly lively power cable hit the ground in front of me. I did not move.
Traffic drove past me as I became aware of how uncomfortably hot the sun decided to be today. I did not increase my speed, because I did not want to anger the electricity gods, especially right before I was going to get a haircut and a lunch that was going to be more expensive than the haircut.
I heard the roar of an engine – one louder than you typically hear in the town's main streets, and the vehicle attached to it careening around the corner of the intersection in front of me. It was your typical totally-not-sinister nondescript white van, which was driving with it's right tires on the sidewalk. It screamed to a halt beside me after dodging an errant hamwagon, its passenger/cargo waving its disgustingly flabby arms in an obvious attempt to generate lift.
Something – ok, a great quantity of somethings – screeched and fretted inside the van. The door clicked, slid open, and I beheld a bulging wall of irate baboons. They were packed into the van illegal-immigrant style, and as the sliding door clicked into an open and locked position, they all came spilling out. It was a single mass of hair, muscle, claws, screeching, and bright red asses.
They rapidly disentangled each other and swarmed over the power cable that fell onto the sidewalk beside me. They were polite enough not to touch me, but still sufficiently impolite to scream in my ear. Their inchoate screeches were followed swiftly by a series of pops as they started to grab the cable and get electrocuted, one by one. Then they started to work together and die together, white arcs of electricity frying their little primate brains and stopping their hearts.
A pile of monkey corpses formed at the terminal end of the power cable, which only grew in size until one exceptionally stubborn wretch grabbed the end and, despite being continually electrocuted, managed to keep functioning. The others hooted and yelped in celebration as it spasm-sauntered over to the pole and began its ascent.
It now dawned upon me that these baboons were contracted by the El Paso Electric Company. It all made perfect sense.
The one ape that possessed the bright red ass of electricity immunity finished its climb and connected the terminal to its junction on the powerline pole. As it brought the ends together, its capacity for surviving murderous levels of voltage waned and it finally expired, but not before locking the ends in place and burning itself stuck to the line.
The remaining baboons whooped and cheered even louder. The one that was right next to me looked up and raised a hand. Not wanting to leave it hanging, I gave it a high-five.
The pack then climbed back into the van and sped away. I likewise continued to the barber shop.